Last night.

Cooking around a campfire, listening to music and just being still with the people I love. It was a perfect moment amid an imperfect life.

I got up after assembling another shish kebab and looked around wondering how I ever got things so twisted.

Lately, my mind has wandered back and forth between now and then. The present and the past.

Remember when adult life seemed like a destination? This place you would get to one day and then look around and say, "Ok. I'm here!"

Then someone would just hand you a paycheck and the keys to all the necessary things, like shelter and transportation. And maybe a little book titled "Adulting 101: All the things you need to know so you don't do anything stupid or ruin your kids for life."

Turns out, nobody ever even bothered to tell me when I became an adult. Where's my dang diploma from getting through my early twenties without accidentally killing myself? Cause I did a LOT of dumb stuff.

Nope.

It was just a slow realization that when the bills came nobody was going to pay them if I didn't. And on top of it, if you don't pay them, they'll just take your stuff! They won't even ask.

It was sudden understanding that if I didn't feed and raise the kids that literally no one else would. I mean maybe the government but that's not typically the goal.

And that especially weird moment when you realize Walmart now plays really good music.

Then you realize it's the same oldies station they've always played. But somehow the nineties became thirty years ago.

Thirty. Years. Ago.

Like seriously. What happened?

Where did those good old days go? Those summer nights that I could live again and again.

When my future seemed as bright as the stars hanging in the sky. But now I feel like my failures outnumber my wins.

When love seemed like a whirlwind tale rather than me pointing at him as he starts to go for a third burrito. "Nope. We are out of Gas-X."

Then again. There are nights like these where God's breath blows sweetly over my skin and I move a little closer to these people He's given me.

"Remember when you asked me for all this?" God reminded me.

And I do. Oh yes I do. All those nights running around town were in pursuit of exactly this.

My family is a discombobulated group of people who mess up, tick each other off, and can't stick to a schedule to save our lives.

But In recent days I've found myself letting all of that go. What if I never make it as a writer (whatever making it really is anyway), and what if my little family never really gets it all together?

Maybe their whole lives will consist of looking for socks and wondering if today is the day that mom will go grocery shopping again.

Oh well. Seriously. Who cares?

We are housed. We are fed. We love each other. And we love our Jesus.

We have this life to lean on Him and the next one to stand before Him and thank Him for every moment of it. No matter how messy it all seemed.

I guess that's the thing I'm learning. Nothing really ever goes the way I plan or expect it to, but that doesn't mean it isn't good.

It also doesn't mean it isn't God's plan. It just means it isn't my plan. And considering I'm the person who cancels plans faster than they can hand me a bag of fries in the drive-thru, it's probably good we just stick with His ways.

Truth is, His plans are perfect, but we are imperfect people. This life has been way more than I deserve and way more than I ever needed.

Except that Gas-X. I probably need to go get more of that.

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