Meanwhile, I sat straight up in bed listening to what I assumed was a band of murdering thieves downstairs in the living room.

So, I did what any self-respecting mother would do alone at 2 a.m. in the face of danger with an ineffective and gassy watch dog — I called my mom.

“BANG!”

Both kids were snoring piles in my bed and Sadie Jo was sprawled out at the bottom farting like a man, because Logan fed her his plate of beef enchiladas.

Meanwhile, I sat straight up in bed listening to what I assumed was a band of murdering thieves downstairs in the living room.

So, I did what any self-respecting mother would do alone at 2 a.m. in the face of danger with an ineffective and gassy watch dog — I called my mom.

“Do you still hear it?” she asked.

“Yes,” I whispered. “It’s just banging over and over again.”

“Okay,” she said. “I’m going to call 9-1-1. You just sit tight.”

We sadly hung up the phone before logic got on the line which surely would have mentioned it a better idea to call the police myself.

Moments later, I snapped back to attention when the bang was accompanied by a boom — and then soft R&B music.

My phone.

“Yes, this is the 9-1-1 operator. We received a call from your mom. Are you still hearing noises?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “Even louder now.”

“We have an officer sitting out front, can you please go down and let him in?”

“I don’t think I can do that. Can he just break down the door or something?”

“Well, we would rather not do that,” she said. “Stay on the line with me, and go to an upstairs window. I will tell the officer to wave at you from your porch.”

Now close to 3 a.m., I stood in my old bedroom peering directly down to the concrete slab in front of the door where a uniformed officer waved and flashed his badge at me.

Walking downstairs it became obvious that the banging noise was in the basement and that it was not a person.

I could barely talk above it as I opened the door and gestured to him; he nodded at the sound, and told me we needed to wait outside.

Connor and Logan were easy to wake up and walk down the stairs, but our valiant watch dog was another story.

She curled her upper lip and growled when I shook her. I pulled at her collar which threatened to slide off her head, so I grabbed the skin around the her neck and dragged her to the bedroom door until she finally came to life.

Hearing the banging noise, she barked and howled like someone had just flipped her “on” switch.

“Too late, Sadie Jo. The cops are downstairs already.”

We all waited in the car while the officer and his partner went into the house fully armed, although they assumed some kind of wild animal was stuck downstairs.

I sat there and wondered why this kind of stuff happens on the nights Shawn is at work, then I realized it was probably because Shawn would have just gone downstairs and taken care of whatever it was himself, and then plopped back into bed.

I was hopeful it wouldn’t amount to anything because I was doing a lot better alone at night.

I still couldn’t turn out the lights until the magical hour of 4 a.m., but once we got a television upstairs I could sleep in bed instead of the couch.

Most of the time, I was able to get a decent night’s rest as long as I kept waking up and hitting “yes” when Netflix asked me if I was still watching The Property Brothers.

Moments later the officers appeared in the driveway, smiling and carrying nothing in their hands.

They were kind of just strolling along, and actually looked to be laughing.

“Is there an animal down there?” I asked. They shook their head. “Nope — apparently your juke box is on the fritz. We unplugged it. You can go back in the house now.”

Shawn’s juke box was once a prominent piece of living room furniture in his bachelor pad, but now lived in his man cave basement and was apparently trying to play Logan’s favorite song from Queen (”We are the Champions”).

I patted Sadie Jo on the head who was already sound to sleep again — maybe she knew what she was doing after all.

(Excerpt from Life on Saturn: A Lifetime of Grace in Unexpected Places by Meg Duncan. Available on Amazon.)