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Hannibal Courier - Post - Hannibal, MO
How breast cancer is reshaping everything

www.takingitfromthetop.com
Time to start looking forward….
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About this blog
By Jennifer Denbo
I wanted to start this blog so other women, family and friends could see a real perspective into the life of cancer. Not just what I am experiencing, but what others may experience or see loved ones experience themselves. I am a mom of two girls ...
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Taking It From The Top
I wanted to start this blog so other women, family and friends could see a real perspective into the life of cancer. Not just what I am experiencing, but what others may experience or see loved ones experience themselves. I am a mom of two girls (Kaylee 10, and Sophie 4) and married for 11 years this year to my husband John Marc. We live in Rolla, MO and all of my treatments will be here at Phelps County Regional Medical Center. I was diagnosed on January 16, 2013, at 5:15 p.m. A moment in time I believe the Earth stopped turning, and my heart stopped beating. Even if it was for a split second. This blog was started January 21, 2013 at 6:22 p.m. when I was ready to speak. (and when my S.I.L. Claire was ready to help with the tech stuff:) I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me. I WILL beat Breast Cancer! I did not want to turn to Google for my answers, I wanted to find my own. These are them:
Recent Posts
June 21, 2014 5:25 p.m.
Jan. 26, 2014 5:15 a.m.
Jan. 16, 2014 11:20 a.m.
Jan. 10, 2014 5:23 p.m.
Jan. 9, 2014 11:23 p.m.
July 1, 2013 11:22 a.m.



Just some random thoughts….

So everyday, multiple times a day, my brain wants to take me to certain points in the past. Whether it was the day I got the news, the day of my surgery… or maybe even the day I cut off all my hair. I sit alone in my room and look at the photos on my phone. They are in chronological order, so it’s almost like a day by day of what was happening. I know this probably isn’t healthy, but I just can’t stop myself.

I’m not sure what I am even looking for. Do I just want to make myself sad? Do I want to torture myself by replaying these moments over and over again? Or….are these just moments in time that were part of my journey, and nothing to feel guilty about? I guess I don’t know the answer.

I wish there was a way to just wipe my brain clear of anything cancer related. It would make life so much easier. It really would. If I could just forget everything that has happened and just move on from this day forward. But is that what I truly want? Because it seems like I am always saying “I just want to be the old me again.” Maybe I’m not sure who I want to be. Is it the “old me” … or maybe even the “new better me?” Who the hell am I?

Whoever I am, I just need to keep working towards finding peace. Peace with everything that has happened, peace with myself and my looks, and peace with my life. I know in my heart I need to stop looking back. There is no way I can move on if I keep doing that. But then again this is me… these are photos of me….and my life… and I can’t hide from it. No matter how deep I bury these photos….they still exist.

Now, someone from the outside looking in would think that I mourn the loss of my breasts probably more than I do. Yes, I have awful scars and look disfigured… but, I swear most days I never even think about it. I don’t really think about that part of my body much, so it doesn’t really bother me. Now, somedays I may try on a old dress or top that now looks awful… but that doesn’t happen too often. I think my brain is too busy saying “those things just tried to kill you.” !!!!! So, I don’t go to a place of sadness, I go to a place of relief that I found it… and realize no, they didn’t kill me:) I won.

So, these are my random thoughts for the night. I’ll attach some of my favorite photos to look at. One is the day I found out and I had my mom take a picture at the kitchen table to remember… one is the day of my mastectomy and Sophie and I were sticking our tongues out…. and one of me the day I cut my hair. Oh… and one of Peanut just because it makes me laugh:) There are others, but these I go to the most for some reason. xoxo20130701-004046.jpg20130701-004112.jpg20130701-004222.jpg20130701-004315.jpg20130701-004323.jpg

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